Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Athletic Professional Seeks Registered Sex Offender for Good Times!

I know, you're thinking "sex offenders do horrible things like rape and molest children! And they're almost never women!". We're entering a whole new era. A fifteen year old girl is being tried on kiddie porn charges for sending nekkid pics of herself. If she's convicted, she may have to register as a sex offender. Stop and think about that for a minute.

Some of you may need more than a minute.

I certainly needed more than a minute to digest that bit of info. The thought of meeting a hot girl then discovering that she's registered as a sex offender was too much and I had to take several more minutes before I could get back to the keyboard.

When I was fifteen, if a hot girl got herself on a sex offender registry, I would have made it my mission in life to get myself on one before sixteen. I can see sex crime being the new drugs. There will be DARE to keep kids off emailing nude pics of themselves campaigns in the schools with special cars and police officers devoted to the task. Kids will recite bullshit about how they're going to resist the temptation to film themselves with a bullwhip up their ass, all the while thinking about how to edit the hours of footage they took the previous weekend. When I was 14, my 7th grade class took "Refusal Skills" classes. They made us practice saying now to things like offers of drugs and other things we were supposed to say "no" to. The next generation will have to have expanded classes to include practicing skills like checking for hidden cameras in your lover's room and/or truck stop bathroom, and special seminars on how consent to a deviant sex act by your classmates does not equal consent to film same and post it on x-tube.

Some people may look at a story like this and see tragedy. You may think sex-offender registries were intended to protect us and our children from truly dangerous predators. You might think it is not funny at all that kids could soon start seeing sex-crime as a rite-of-passage-- something to demonstrate their coolness and grownupness to their peers. I've long been resigned to the fact that some people just have no imagination.

"I was 15 when I was added to the local Sex offender registry, but my girlfriend didn't get on one until she was 16."

"What did you do?"

"I posted a video of me rogering myself with my dad's 9-iron, then blogged about it from a school computer."

"FUCK!! I've seen your dad's golf clubs! You must be hardcore to take that sumbitch in the mud trail! "

"Yeah, proving yourself has never been easy, And really, would we want it to be? but I had what it took."

"Sounds like you were lookin to get caught."

"Well every other kid was on the registry, Goth chicks didn't give me the time of day until I had my offender's card. Once I got it, I was swimmin in angsty goth pussy! I couldn't play sports what the fuck else was I gonna do?"

Young kids will be told how serious sex-crime is. Really! It's nothing to joke about. You may think you're not hurting anybody when you film your underage self consensually getting a blowjob, but that's the gateway crime. You might be a decent well adjusted kid, but you'll become addicted to posting naked pictures of yourself in degrading and dehumanizing situations online and feel the need to escalate the habit. You could basically turn into somebody else without knowing it.

Remember, you read it here first!


Nora said...

When I was 14, my 7th grade class took "Refusal Skills" classes.

You were in 7th grade when you were 14? Really?

There are some fucked up cases of people being registered sex offenders when what they did was perhaps in poor taste or misguided, but not offensive, and certainly not worth the tax-payers dollars to consider it a violation of the law.

This little hussy should have just been grounded and had her phone privileges removed.

Who is interpreting these laws, I wonder?

Seriously, though, you're onto something here. I do take issue with the law getting involved with moral cases. The problem is, though, that kids ARE fucking stupid. They take these technologies for granted without thinking of the ramifications. They should have to read legal contracts when purchasing their camera phones and web-cams. Who would EVER be so STUPID as to do such depraved things? I am shocked. Shocked and horrified.

So, thanks for bringing this terrible blight to society to my attention. I would also like to take the time to compliment your dialog skills here. This is my favorite:

"Well every other kid was on the registry, Goth chicks didn't give me the time of day until I had my offender's card. Once I got it, I was swimmin in angsty goth pussy! I couldn't play sports what the fuck else was I gonna do?"

Luke Baggins said...

I'm with you in being totally in favor of the general idea of the law getting involved where sex and minors and naked pictures are concerned, but the point I was drunkenly getting at when I wrote this is the way people freak out over the issue is detrimental to the public's ability to take them seriously. If a girl sending a picture of her own tits can be a felony, you've lost the meaning of the word "felony". And if you're a prosecuting attorney, you're supposed to have graduated from an accredited law school where they are supposed to be teaching things like that.

I'm also in favor of sex offender registries for rapists and child molestors, but if the government is going to use them like this, they're clearly not old enough for them.

This case is prosecuted by Licking County, Ohio, prosecutor Ken Oswalt. How can a jurisdiction with such a perfect name be so retarded? I hope the Jury kicks him repeatedly in the balls and then laughs at him while they acquit the girl and apologize to her parents for their community's collective extra chromosome.

Cutting her off from the cell phone sounds like a good idea. If I was this girl's parents, I would not want her having access to camera phones, on the other hand, the reason so many kids have cell phones now is that they help you tell your parents where you are quickly, and her parents should probably be more concerned than ever on that particular question. I would give her that old Nokia that I used to carry and still have that could also be used to bludgeon someone, which she may need to do with the kind of reputation she's building for herself.

You're right about my math skills being off. I turned 13 in 7th. I think the refusal skills classes were 8th.

Thinking about that time makes me really glad I'm not a teenage girl right now.

Luke Baggins said...

The reason I was so unserious about the issue is that the really serious things to say about it were said pretty well by the commenters on the original post over at the slog.

Commenter #6 really nailed it (on the not-serious side) with: So can any underage girl who has a camera and breasts be charged with having "criminal tools?" And you can be charged with receiving unsolicited kiddie porn messages?!?! Anyone have McCain's cell phone numbe...never mind, I think he still only communicates via Pony Express.

Nora said...

Oh, I don't think the law should be involved at ALL in cases of teenagers doing stupid consensual sexual things at all. That's a moral issue, not a legal one.

Didja hear about the streakers in Boulder? Naked except the pumpkins on their heads? Google it. I'm on my blackberry and can't access the link. It's another case of the law going way too far with something that should be classified as poor taste.