Thursday, October 30, 2008

Exhibit B

I've been in a running argument with several of my friends about whether the world is better off or worse now. Some people think stupidity is on the rise, I think the practice of filming stupidity and posting it to Youtube is on the rise, but the actual phenomenon is more like the tides and is always with us as long as there is free will.

But this morning I'm listening to the The Savage Lovecast, today's equivalent of the radio, and today's episode starts with "Hey Dan. I've been involved in sex with various fruit items for a long time, my favorite being cantelope..." A lot of the people who think the world is fucked today still insist on reading old media like newspapers and/or watching CNN. And many more don't listen to the The Savage Lovecast weekly or get all of their news from Skippystalin. I can't imagine living that way, and it's likely that the world would seem doomed if I were to try it.

Anyway, in grandma's day, could you turn on the radio and have the show start with "Hey Dan. I've been involved in sex with various fruit items for a long time, my favorite being cantelope..."? The answer is NO you fucking couldn't! How can anyone faced with evidence like that believe that the world is not better off now?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Athletic Professional Seeks Registered Sex Offender for Good Times!

I know, you're thinking "sex offenders do horrible things like rape and molest children! And they're almost never women!". We're entering a whole new era. A fifteen year old girl is being tried on kiddie porn charges for sending nekkid pics of herself. If she's convicted, she may have to register as a sex offender. Stop and think about that for a minute.

Some of you may need more than a minute.

I certainly needed more than a minute to digest that bit of info. The thought of meeting a hot girl then discovering that she's registered as a sex offender was too much and I had to take several more minutes before I could get back to the keyboard.

When I was fifteen, if a hot girl got herself on a sex offender registry, I would have made it my mission in life to get myself on one before sixteen. I can see sex crime being the new drugs. There will be DARE to keep kids off emailing nude pics of themselves campaigns in the schools with special cars and police officers devoted to the task. Kids will recite bullshit about how they're going to resist the temptation to film themselves with a bullwhip up their ass, all the while thinking about how to edit the hours of footage they took the previous weekend. When I was 14, my 7th grade class took "Refusal Skills" classes. They made us practice saying now to things like offers of drugs and other things we were supposed to say "no" to. The next generation will have to have expanded classes to include practicing skills like checking for hidden cameras in your lover's room and/or truck stop bathroom, and special seminars on how consent to a deviant sex act by your classmates does not equal consent to film same and post it on x-tube.

Some people may look at a story like this and see tragedy. You may think sex-offender registries were intended to protect us and our children from truly dangerous predators. You might think it is not funny at all that kids could soon start seeing sex-crime as a rite-of-passage-- something to demonstrate their coolness and grownupness to their peers. I've long been resigned to the fact that some people just have no imagination.

"I was 15 when I was added to the local Sex offender registry, but my girlfriend didn't get on one until she was 16."

"What did you do?"

"I posted a video of me rogering myself with my dad's 9-iron, then blogged about it from a school computer."

"FUCK!! I've seen your dad's golf clubs! You must be hardcore to take that sumbitch in the mud trail! "

"Yeah, proving yourself has never been easy, And really, would we want it to be? but I had what it took."

"Sounds like you were lookin to get caught."

"Well every other kid was on the registry, Goth chicks didn't give me the time of day until I had my offender's card. Once I got it, I was swimmin in angsty goth pussy! I couldn't play sports what the fuck else was I gonna do?"

Young kids will be told how serious sex-crime is. Really! It's nothing to joke about. You may think you're not hurting anybody when you film your underage self consensually getting a blowjob, but that's the gateway crime. You might be a decent well adjusted kid, but you'll become addicted to posting naked pictures of yourself in degrading and dehumanizing situations online and feel the need to escalate the habit. You could basically turn into somebody else without knowing it.

Remember, you read it here first!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Skippy News

As many of you know, my first online venture was a blog devoted to why I get all my news from Skippystalin. I've had some success explaining to people over the years the merits of this reading strategy. But what I didn't have was one short list of the classics that best exemplify why getting your news any other place is a waste of time. So I posted this list a while ago. It's sort of like a starter kit, like a mini-bible, only without as much incest and genocide and molestation of the domestic servants. Anyone who is not yet getting all their news from Skippystalin should take a look at this list. And anyone who is, should let me know if they think I've missed something that should be on that list.

Private Space Industry Betrayed

Since the first private tourist space flights, right thinking people all over the world have been wondering when they will see porn filmed in space. What will the facial shot look like in zero gravity? These kinds of questions have dominated the drawing rooms and parlors where intellectuals gather. Sadly, the answers will have to wait. Richard Branson has refused a one million dollar offer to host a porn-shoot on his space-ship. Without eternal fucking vigilance, communism will prevail. Joe Bob used to say that when another drive-in would close. I think it's appropriate in these troubled times. So many people are worrying about stupid shit, they don't have time to be outraged over this.

And the next time Dan Savage goes on about how sex negative and sex-phobic American culture is, they need to show him this article.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Fall News

A bunch has happened. I went to Chicago to visit the Brandybuck cousins. You can read highlights of that trip here and especially here. The other big highlight was the A & T grill.

Then, I came home and got some musical advice from Skippystalin. If you're not getting all your news from him, you're just fucked in ways that are hard for me to describe. Then Dr. Reverend chimed in on the musical advice topic.

Then a guy pulled off one of the most creative robberies I've ever heard of using an innertube down the river I played in as a little kid as a getaway route. Journalists don't have a real education, or else they would know that the word for innertubing down a river like that is "butthole surfing" and that's where the band gets their name. I hope they catch the fucker. I wouldn't want that kind of creativity and cleverness out on the street dreaming up more shit like this, much as I enjoyed the headline.

And then, Skippy was down about the likely defeat of McCain in the election. And I tried to cheer him up with Ass Jihad, one of the greatest works of shit poetry ever written. Since it came out a little over a year ago, I've been re-reading it every couple of months. It's a classic! It always improves my mood. I hope it helps Skippy through this troubled time. If you haven't read it, run, don't walk to that link! If you ever are at a friend's house and don't have the link handy, you can always google "ass jihad". That search string (without the quotes), will get you there. It will also get you some funny targeted text ads. Of course, if you have to google it, that probably means you didn't tatoo the Ass Jihad link to your chest.

Here's what I got to the right of my search results:

Islamic Society in the US
Visit Minaret of Freedom Online
For Islamic News and Information.

Uncle Sam Lives in Quincy
Short film tells the story of a man
who changed his name to Uncle Sam

Mustache Rides T-Shirts
High quality T-Shirts
with a sexy design!

Oliver North's US Heroes
Experience Real Stories from Real
American War Heroes. Buy Today!

New Free RPG Dragon Fable
Free Adventure Game! Fight dragons
with spell or sword in an epic RPG.

Meet Black singles
Free to Join. 1000's of pictures &
video's of Beautiful Black singles

It's good to see that Oliver North appreciates some good counter-ass-jihading. The author of that post is certainly an American hero, but I'm wondering about some of those other links. What do you think is the relationship between "Dragonfable" and Ass Jihad? The dating site makes sense though. I've been reciting the words to Ass Jihad to every hot woman I meet lately and I think it will get me laid much better than my performance of "it places the lotion in the basket".